| 27 October 2009
The NBA season begins today! To some of us this means that the great sport of basketball is back; to others it means nothing until the NFL season is over. I want people to be excited so I'm going to present to you a prediction I have for each NBA team. Of course this is going to be in typical Favre Dollar Footlongs fashion and they won't be what most predictions are like. I've been wanting to write a column about basketball for awhile, actually I've been trying to write more about any sport except football, so this is my first of many for NBA, college basketball, hockey, and any other sport that is relevant other than NASCAR. If anyone missed my NFL Predictions than you can check them out here. So let's get ready for the NBA to start today and we'll see if any of my predictions come true.
Atlanta Hawks - Mike Woodson and his wife will appear on The Real Housewives of Atlanta and become very famous. Fans will repeatedly request for his autograph at the Hawks games, but still won't know he is the coach of the team.
Boston Celtics - After failing to reach the finals last year, the Celtics will revive their tribal pre-game ritual by wearing no jersey tops and repeatedly yelling "YugaChukaMuviSupaCaliFragilDocious", which is short for "win." After starting the season 0-10 they will pig roast Rajon Rondo as a gift to the Gods.
Charlotte Bobcats - The Charlotte Bobcats will miraculously win the NBA Championship. At the post-game acceptance of the championship trophy, Michael Jordan will start hugging it on the ground and holding up seven fingers. He will then give a speech about how bad the players and coaches are on the Bobcats and he is the reason that they won the championship.
Chicago Bulls - The Bulls are going to falter badly after being everyone's sleeper team at the beginning of the season. The lack of success forces Derrick Rose to take an endorsement from Hooked on Phonics where he proclaims, "Hooked on Phonics worked for Der-Wick".
Cleveland Cavaliers - The Cleveland Cavaliers will continue with their pregame antics by having Shaq dress up as a pig and pretending to contract everyone with swine flu. The Cavs will have to cut Delonte West for not showing up to games, but he will be picked up by the Houston Rockets and the Phoenix Suns, who will each sign one of his personalities.
Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban will continue his push to promote the safe usage of steroids by having Dirk Notwizki appear in German commercials trying to get other blonde haired, blue eyed German men to become as strong as possible. David Stern will fine Cuban $1 million for trying to become the next Hitler.
Denver Nuggets - After having so much success with bringing back Chauncy Billups, the Denver Nuggets will try to follow the formula again and sign Dikembe Mutumbo, Dale Ellis, and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf. The formula will work until they fire George Karl and replace him with Bernie Bickerstaff.
Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will try to spark some luck by utilizing one of sport's most notorious superstitions of facial hair. Instead of growing beards the entire team will shave their eyebrows so they all look like Charlie Villanueva.
Golden State Warriors - In a strange change of events, Stephen Jackson will be attacked on court by a fan. After the brawl, we'll find out that Dell Curry was the man behind the melee, and he was just trying to protect his 12-year old son.
Houston Rockets - Tracy McGrady will finally become healthy and start playing like an all-star again. After some rumblings that he may be traded he somehow breaks his femur and holds a press conference and states that he wants to retire a Houston Rocket. Rick Adelman will continue trying to act like George Karl.
Indiana Packers - The Indiana Pacers will become the first NBA team in 15 years to have five white players on the court at the same time. The sight of five white guys will send T.J. Ford into an epileptic seizure and his career will be ended.
LA Clippers - Clippers rookie Blake Griffin will dominate in the NBA and will make the all-star team his first year. His success will cause all GM's to start looking for the next interracial star. Taylor Griffin will watch all games from the stands and his hairline will recede an inch for every dunk that Blake provides.
LA Lakers - Ron Artest will become jealous of Lamar Odom's popularity from marrying Khloe. Ron will get hitched with ex-RB star Monica. They will be referred to as "MoRon".
Memphis Grizzlies - Allen Iverson will become upset that he is coming off the bench and start a feud with fellow arrogant ball player, O.J. Mayo. The two will be combative throughout the entire season and repeatedly talk about how their initials are better than the other player's initials.
Miami Heat - A tell all book by Dwayne Wade will be released about the exploits of Heat players in Miami. Surprising revelations are that Michael Beasley is just a big pot smoker and Chris Quinn is actually an alien. To no one's surprise, Dwayne Wade will also come out of the closet.
Milwaukee Bucks - The Bucks will force rookie Brandon Jennings to start an Internet feud with rapper Joe Budden after realizing that the Youtube video of him talking to Joe Budden about fellow NBA players is the most press the Milwaukee Bucks got all off season.
Minnesota Timberwolves - The Timberwolves will once again be one of the worst teams in the NBA. This year they will draft a 16-year old and will have to again explain to all their fans that they expected him not to play for a few years.
New Jersey Nets - The New Jersey Nets will get their new owner and the Nets will win the NBA championship. After further investigation, it will be revealed that the owner was paying off referees and is actually the the brains behind the Tim Donaghy situation. Jay-Z will stop using the Roc symbol as a form of protest.
New Orleans Hornets - Newly acquired center Emeka Okafor will be confused that he is on a new team because they wear similar colors. He will continually block his own teammate, Chris Paul, and become the blocks leader and defensive player of the year.
New York Knicks - The Knicks will fail to achieve success once again. To try and circumvent the problem they will get rid of every player on the team in hopes of signing Lebron James in 2010. After failing to do so, they will end up signing David Lee to a five-year contract with nearly $110 million. They will further their problems by having a secret agreement with Isiah Thomas to draft all players from Florida International.
Oklahoma City Thunder - Kevin Durant will become the scoring champion and win the MVP of the league. In an effort to become more philanthropic, he will conduct a fasting with the rest of his team for 40 days to try and save the people of Darfur. The fasting will end after three days after Durant's body becomes all bones and no skin. The autopsy will reveal that Durant did not die of starvation, but that Nenad Krstic ate him.
Orlando Magic - A porno will come out that depicts the Orlando Magic basketball conducting sultry acts in the locker room. The lead roles will be Ron Jeremy as Stan Van Gundy and Lexington Steele as Dwight Howard. The fluffer will be J.J. Redick; played by J.J. Redick.
Philadelphia 76ers - Elton Brand will once again have a season ending injury that will force Andre Iguodala to average 30 points, 8 rebs, and 7 assists per game. AI will still be left off the all-star team and Elton Brand will make the all-Duke injury team along with Jay Williams, Bobby Hurley, Grant Hill, and Mike Dunleavy Jr. Honorable mention is every other Duke player including Carlos Boozer, Christian Laettner, Josh McRoberts, Corey Maggette, and Philly favorite, Shavlik Randolph.
Phoenix Suns - The Phoenix Suns will once again fail to make the playoffs, but Steve Nash will get his first championship ring with the Cleveland Cavs after he is traded late in the season for Shaquille O'Neal. It will later be learned that the trade was an out of court settlement for Shaq stealing Nash's idea for Shaq Vs.
Portland Trailblazers - The Portland Trailblazers will continue their injury streak and Greg Oden's career will be over. Their nickname of the Jailblazers will be changed to the Frailblazers. Sam Presti will win GM of the year based on signing a bunch of players that help their team for 30 games out of the 82 game season.
Sacramento Kings - The Kings will struggle with not having one player on their team that anybody has heard of so the Maloof brothers will trade Nocioni, Udrih, and Garcia for Lamar Odom and the rights to the Khlomar wedding/divorce television series.
San Antonio Spurs - After Eva Longoria doesn't show up courtside for 5 consecutive games it will be assumed that the reasoning is because Greg Poppavich's beard makes him look like the biggest creep and Eva is scared away. We later learn that Tony Parker had an affair with newly acquired Richard Jefferson.
Toronto Raptors - Chris Bosh will continue with his YouTube video effort, but this year will use it to try to get traded off the Raptors. Jarrett Jack finally figures out that there are no Raptors in Toronto.
Utah Jazz - Andrei Kirilenko will once again receive his birthday present from his wife by being allowed to have sex with one person other than her. He will pick the beautiful and make-up clad lady of Kyle Korver.
Washington Wizards - The Washington Wizards will dedicate this season to President Obama. They will follow in his footsteps by receiving the NBA Championship and visiting the White House before the season starts because they plan on winning one in the next four years.
