| 06 September 2009
The predictions:
Arizona Cardinals - Kurt Warner will retire midseason after once again throwing a pass too high to Anquan Boldin who gets jacked up, needs a complete face reconfiguration, and due to the horrible results will end up wearing a Hannibal Lecter facemask. Warner won't retire because of the throw, but because Boldin's mask is too satanic for his religious beliefs.
Atlanta Falcons - Arthur Blank, the Falcons owner, will have to release Matt Ryan after finding out he was running a cat ring from his ranch. Matt Ryan, because he's white, will be honored by Bob Barker for controlling the pet population.
Baltimore Ravens - Coach John Harbaugh will trade places with his brother Jim Harbaugh at Stanford after the bye week. Nobody will know the difference.
Carolina Panthers - After throwing four interceptions in the first game of the season, Jake Delhomme will be sent to the IR for the season after Steve Smith slugs him across the face post-game in the locker room.
Chicago Bears - After repeatedly complaining about Devin Hester's mental lapses each week, Jay Cutler will have to get his parents to sign his midseason report, which says, "Doesn't play well with others."
Cincinnati Bengals - Chad Ochocinco, who recently disabled his Twitter account, will install a mini camera on his helmet so he can live Vlog throughout each game. The NFL fines him, but all fines are paid, after VH1 signs on to do a live dating show with Chad that is conducted during the game as well.
Cleveland Browns - The Cleveland Browns will end up starting Brady Quinn and trading Jamal Lewis and Derek Anderson to the Eagles for Michael Vick so he can join the Dawg Pound. The Dawg Pound will be destroyed as well, but this time from drowning in their own tears.
Dallas Cowboys - Jerry Jones will conduct punter Matt McBrier to repeatedly punt the ball into his massive video screen just to piss off Roger Goodell. The game will last six hours and Goodell will eventually enforce all teams to lower their video screens to increase revenue money due to the increased game times.
Denver Broncos - The Denver Broncos will finally reveal that it was actually just a prank that Josh McDaniels was hired. Mike Shanahan will zipline to the sidelines at Mile High and take the Broncos to a division title. He will then be fired again.
Detroit Lions - Matt Stafford will be involved with a sex scandal after supposedly impregnating newly hired coach, Jim Schwartz's wife. It will be revealed on Maury Povich that Matt is not the father, which will be the only win for the Lions all season.
Green Bay Packers - Aaron Rodgers will have to change his jersey number from 12 to 5 after realizing that five is the highest number that people in Wisconsin can count to based on the fingers on their hand.
Houston Texans - Andre Johnson will set the single season records for most catches, most TD's, and most yards. No one will still know who he is.
Indianapolis Colts - Bob Sanders will miss the entire regular season with an injury and comeback for the playoffs and lead the Colts to their second Super Bowl in three years. Sanders will then go on an Allen Iverson-esque tirade where he continually says, "We're talking about regular season! We're not talking about the playoffs! We're talking about regular season!"
Jacksonville Jaguars - David Garrard will be the #1 fantasy quarterback this season. He will still be drafted in rounds 10 or later next season.
Kansas City Chiefs - It will be revealed that Matt Cassel faked his injury because he feels more comfortable coming in as the starter after the first game of the season.
Miami Dolphins - After the Miami Dolphins fail to win in their first six games they will devise a new offensive strategy where they continually try to lateral the football on every play they have the ball. After winning the next two games, the rest of the NFL implements the strategy and each week is an adult's game of "Smear the Queer"
Minnesota Vikings - After realizing how much he misses Green Bay when returning to Lambeau, Brett Favre will retire before the game and unretire after the game for a chance to still keep his legacy in Green Bay.
New England Patriots - Bill Belichick will give a two word answer to a post-game question. ESPN will decide to do an E:60 piece on the answer.
New Orleans Saints - To try and get back into good graces with Kim Kardashian, Reggie Bush will decide to dye his hair blonde to match her new look. Every black person in New Orleans thinks it's to match the Saints team colors so they all get the same haircut as well. Lil Wayne will write a rap about it also.
New York Giants - The Giants will fail to score any passing touchdowns within the first half the season, causing Coach Tom Coughlin to begin the Free Plax campaign. Plaxico's sentence is reduced to one year due to the public outcry.
New York Jets - In one of the biggest sports scandals of the century, Jets rookie QB Mark Sanchez will come out of the closet and reveal that him and fellow New Yorker, Alex Rodriguez are an item.
Oakland Raiders - After the Raiders have the worst season in the NFL, Al Davis will draft Usain Bolt with the first pick in the draft due to his speed. Bolt will repeatedly say that he has no interest in football, but Davis will still make the pick.
Philadelphia Eagles - Michael Vick will be sent to prison again after orchestrating a interstate drug ring from Virginia to Philadelphia. Andy Reid will cry at the press conference and say, "Michael is like a son to me."
Pittsburgh Steelers - Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will retire after winning his third Super Bowl in five years. He will then begin his career as a WWE wrestler since he realizes he is already great at overexaggerating injuries.
San Diego Chargers - After getting suspended for choking Tila Tequila, Chargers LB Shawne Merriman will also get his own VH1 reality show, "Choke of Love"
San Francisco 49ers - Coach Mike Singletary will try to have every defensive player on the 49ers cut off one of thier fingertips because he wants the team's attitude to return to the days of Ronnie Lott. He will be criminally charged, but will instead be sent to the psychiatric ward.
Seattle Seahawks - Wide Receiver T.J. Houshmanzadeh will be the top receiver in the NFC, receive a 99 Madden rating, and still cry to the publishers of EA sports.
St. Louis Rams - After running back Steven Jackson gets injured yet again, the Rams will sign fellow St. Louis professional athlete, Albert Pujols to take his spot. Pujols will become the greatest two-sport athlete to ever play.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The Bucs will be the first NFL team to use a three-quarterback system. They will win the NFC South with a 7-9 record.
Tennessee Titans - Vince Young will be upset that he still doesn't get a chance to start and will retire from the NFL. He will start his own television show, "Are You Smarter then Vince Young?" Everyone will be.
Washington Redskins - The Redskins will once again fail to make the playoffs and all blame will go to Jason Campbell. Owner Dan Snyder will trade all of his 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013 draft picks to gather the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd pick in the 2010 draft so he can draft Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, and Tim Tebow in hopes that one can become the franchise QB he has been looking for.
