| 02 March 2010
If you're like me then going to the gym is a task where you want to get in, complete your workout, and get out. I don't need to mingle with people, I don't need to show off to anyone, and I don't need to do twelve different butt lunges to feel like I got a full workout. All I want to do is listen to my music, get my sweat on, and go home.
There's one other thing I love to do though. I love to watch people.
I think most people enjoy watching others while at the gym. You want to see how fast they're running, how much they're lifting, or what they're doing. It's not really a competitive thing, just an intrigue thing. If you're going to the gym then you're basically putting yourself out there for everyone to watch you in a vulnerable state anyway. You might as well make the most out of it.
Some people at the gym are a little on the peculiar side to say the least. These are the people that catch your eye every time you're there. These aren't fat people, these aren't weak people; these are the people who just can't act normal while at the gym. I don't care what you look like at the gym, I care more about how you act while you're there.
Here are the top ten types of people I see:
10) The Portly Friend
This is the guy that you randomly see walking around to every machine, following his friend who is the member at the gym. He's typically out of shape and thinks that this one workout is about to change his life. Usually he has no clue what he's getting into and you can tell this from the attire. Jeans, T-shirt, backwards hat are the normal garb. Sweat rag draping the shoulder to catch all the perspiration. You won't see the same guy again, but you'll see many just like him.
9) The Senile Senior
Not to attack the elderly, but gyms these days aren't like the 1950's. Community showers are out-of-date and so is walking around with your balls hanging out. These are the men that clamor around the tight locker room butt naked rubbing all up against anything in their path. They'll seriously just stand in the middle of the walkway having a conversation with a friend or themselves just feeling the breeze on the nether regions. Everyone knows this guy. Hopefully people don't turn into it.
8) The Know-It-All Trainer
Trainers are fine when they don't bother me. Actually I hate trainers. This is a job that takes absolutely no brain power; stop acting like it does. There is nothing more annoying then finishing a set of weights and you see this tool looking dude start strutting over to you to tell you that your deltoid didn't hit a 90 degree angle. He then proceeds to hop on the bench to show you what a clean jerk looks like. If I don't ask for help, which I never do, then I don't want it. Go back to making protein shakes behind the counter.
7) The Gossip Girls
Typically these are middle aged women who think its BFF time while at the gym. They walk around the cardio area until they can find two treadmills together, since everyone needs a buddy while on the treadmill. They grab their People or US Weekly magazines and proceed to have a conversation for the twenty minutes that they are power walking. I don't need to hear about Brangelina and I'd rather not hear your voice either. Thankfully God invited iPods.
6) The Gay Guy
I'm not a homophobe. Not a fan, but not a hater. I understand gay people need to work out too, but just tone it down a tad. You can spot these guys from a mile away with their tight little shorts and their tank top on. They never come by themselves either. They always bring their entourage of one other guy. You'll see them chatting up a storm with a bunch of females as well, since females love gay guys. I guess they could be grouped with the gossip girls actually.
5) The Juicehead
Every gym has them; they all look ridiculous. I get it, you have humongous muscles and it's your passion in life. Congratulations son! All these brutes workout together, sharing supplement secrets and cycle stories. They're actually pretty entertaining to watch. If they add a single pound to their squat then the entire group rejoices and will reminisce about it for the whole week after.
4) The Anorexic Alien
I'm sorry, but someone needs to tell this girl that bony isn’t a good look. This is the girl that is on the elliptical for at least an hour everyday and she is already 80 lbs and thinning. I guess this is the reciprocal of the juicehead. I don't know what's worse, the muscular chick that could beat you in arm wrestling or this weird looking thing that is shriveling up day by day.
3) The Treadmill Tool
I never experienced this type of guy until recently. I'm on the treadmill doing my normal workout and a guy jumps on next to me. That's fine. This dude proceeds to turn the treadmill into his own jungle gym. He's running backwards on it, doing spin moves, running sideways. Seriously, what is wrong with some people? It got worse when his friend jumped on next to him and started doing the same moves. It felt like synchronized tread millers pulling off the worst dance moves I've ever seen. These are guys in their mid 30's too. I don't know what anyone could be training for that they would need to do spin moves on a treadmill. Maybe they're playing Madden football on the Wii or something.
2) The Buterface
Everything is great but her face. So many of these girls at the gym. These are the girls that look great from the neck down. They are always working out and are always toned nicely, but their face looks like a constant fart is coming out of it. I know they can't control their facial features per say, but they also think they are queen shit. They're constantly just walking around the gym trying to chat it up with every dude that wants to give them attention, which there are many. They look like snots and probably are. Someone grab a paper bag, tell them it's Gucci, and have it become the new fad to wear it over your head.
1) The Creepster
Nothing is worse than the creepy middle aged man at the gym. He's not just creep to the girls; he's creepy to the guys to. Typically I see this type of guy wearing some ridiculous sweat pants or windbreaker. Most of the time he will be working out at a machine and you'll see him at the same machine a half an hour later still staring down something. I always look for the guy who is wearing a watch on one hand and a bracelet on the other while he is working out. Don't know why that is the stereotype, but any guy I see with this combo is creepy. If I could rid the gym of any type of person, this would be the one. For my sake, your sake, and every girl or guy he is creepin on.
